remembering phil

i woke up today, got ready for the day and had ics in the morning. then i had some lunch and fredrick brought me to central honors philando at the fairgrounds (i'm pretty sure anyway, it's just down the same street from the apartment i used to live at right before the one i am living in now). i had a good time as usual, although i always feel like i never help enough.. i'm pretty sure that valerie (philando's mom) appreciated me just being there though. she recognized me right away. so that felt good to at least be relevant enough in someone's memory that i'm pretty sure the only time i really see her is when i volunteer for her son's memorial. she has the spirit of all mothers who've had sons murdered and fights hard for her son's memory. she has the fighting spirit of christina wells wonsley.. they both are fighting for the murders of their sons. valerie's outcome has already happened but she also has to deal with the loss of her own son. i can remember my grandma telling me how she never thought she'd have to bury a son (when my uncle todd died) and she was all depressed. then my uncle troy found out he had throat cancer and she was already depressed about my other uncle dying, so she told me that she didn't wanna bury two sons. well- she died before troy did.. so she didn't have to bury TWO sons. it must be hard as hell to bury your own kid (that IS of course- if you ACTUALLY CARE about them.. and i don't mean at your convenience or for attention, mom). it's great that valerie actually cares about her son (on the other hand) enough to make a memorial scholarship in his memory to help another person through school. must be nice to have parents who actually care about you. that does not mean for my mom to act clingy and obsessive with me- CARE requires TIME AND ACTUAL LOVE AND RESPECT FOR A PERSON.. if she actually cared about me- SHE'D BE SUPPORTIVE OF MY GOALS AND NOT JUST ACT LIKE SHE CARES FOR ATTENTION. she obviously doesn't care because IF she DID actually care- I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO HAVE TWO SURGERIES ON MY BOWEL AS A RESULT OF HER USING ME AS A SHIELD WHEN MY DAD WAS KICKING HER. my dreams and surgeries show not only her negligence but also her SELFISHNESS as a parent. she's never denied using me as a shield TO MY FACE (i'm sure her stupid ass lies to people denying she used me as a shield though), i'm not sure if it's because she's ashamed of herself (but that would require the mother from hell to actually have a heart.. so that probably isn't it) or because i refuse to talk to her selfish, entitled ass. so she lies to her stupid flying monkey nieces and whines to them.. THAT AIN'T GONNA GET ME TO TALK TO YOUR DUMB ASS. THAT'S NOT GONNA SOLVE SHIT. she's too stupid to understand that though.. she's used to people thinking she has a mental disability and giving her everything she wants. not gonna happen here. you've cost me WAY too much pain to let shit slide. we may never speak again, considering she can't even apologize to me. it wouldn't be genuine now anyway. BUH-BYE. people wonder why i've been through all the shit i've been through- LOOK AT WHERE I CAME FROM. honestly. i understand why i was diagnosed with PTSD.